Sex and the Big D

I really really really reeeeeaaaalllly want to be in a flash mob.

This revelation came to me the other day while I was at the gym and the Bruno Mars song “Marry You” came on. I hadn’t heard it in a really long time. (Awkward fact: one of the last times I heard it was the night of my surprise bachelorette party.)

That song … well, it’s cheesy but there’s something glittery and giddy and hopelessly romantic about it. It’s about being in the moment. And trusting your gut and heart while simultaneously rebelling against traditional wisdom. It seems magical and wonderful and beautiful to me.

After I heard that song in the gym, I couldn’t get it out of my head. So later I went and tried to look up the music video. I came across one that claimed to be the ‘official music video’ though that seems doubtful. However, in it, there’s a flash mob that performs in the middle of what looks to be a crowded square. At the end of the song/dance one of the dancers proposes to his girlfriend and swoon. How incredibly, dramatically, stupidly romantic.

It was while watching the video and listening to that song that I had a sobering moment. For some reason, I couldn’t feel all the giddy feelings that song used to elicit. I heard the words, even sang them and they made me feel happy on a surface level, but deep down I couldn’t believe them.

I couldn’t swallow the romance. The hope, the fairytale belief … it was gone.

I felt like warning the girl (both the real one in the video and the figurative one the song is written for), ‘hey, it’s likely it’s not going to work out so DON’T go all in’. And it made me sad. Where has my belief gone? Where has my hopelessly romantic heart hidden itself?

I’ve never wanted to be the wounded, guarded girl who is too bruised to believe in fairytales. And it hurt me to realize that somewhere in these last four years and all the heartache it contained, I have become this woman.

Or … have I?

I started to really think about it. While watching that video I thought how freaking cool would it be to be a part of a flash mob. Especially one that gave another woman such joy (even if I was secretly skeptical their love would last). THAT would be magical. That would be beautifully, recklessly romantic.

A few years ago, my shy, wallflower self would’ve wanted to BE the woman being proposed to. Having this guy orchestrate this incredibly romantic moment for me. How special and how loved that must mean I would be … right?

This time though I wanted to BE in the mob. I want to be a dancer that in the middle of a random day starts to bring delight and joy to those passing by. I wanted to be in midst of the magic, an active participant.

And that’s when it hit me. This is a pretty incredible shift for me and speaks to how much I’ve grown.

I’m no longer the passive one in my own story, waiting for my prince to come and bring magic with him. I want to create MY OWN magic.

I wrote about my rebel nature and resolutions in the last post, but really, all the functional goals I have set for myself – climbing a mountain, running a spartan race, being in a flash mob – ladder back up to my biggest resolution … which is to truly love myself. To treat myself the way I want to be treated. To talk to myself with kindness and gentleness. I want to be proud of my heart and the way it loves. And out of that kindness, I know I will be kind to others. The love I pour into myself will flow outward. I know this now.

And it’s not easy. Learning to love yourself when you haven’t had the best example of love … and after you’ve been through a critical and emotionally abusive relationship … is a difficult and often overwhelming task. It takes patience. And consistency. But I will get there.

To do this, I make these solemn vows:

I vow to feed myself experiences that rekindle my love of life and my hope for beautiful, magical things.

I vow to dance because it lightens my heart and makes me feel like a princess.

I vow to sing with all my heart because it moves me.

I vow to always to take risks and keep my relationship with myself exciting … I vow to climb mountains and travel to Thailand and be in a flash mob.

I vow to devour all that life has to offer and take joy in the beauty and love that exists already.

And one day soon I will find the one that makes my heart flutter. I will find the one worth the leap, worth falling all in again. Stupidly, recklessly, passionately. The one who will respect my boundaries and value my heart as it is. My lobster. Maybe he’ll orchestrate a flash mob to propose. Better yet, I hope we spend our days dancing with each other and bringing magic wherever the music is played.

But until that day comes, I will be my own prince. I will rescue myself.

I will marry … me.