Category: Big D: Dating

All about my trials and tribulations. They are a’plenty.

Love and Time (and Quarantine)

April 11, 2020

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This time last year, I was miserable. 

I was living in an apartment I truly hated and I was still painfully, achingly single and hurting over my ex. I was in a sorry state to say the least. Angry, lonely, scared and scarred. 

I had a lot of good things in my life too — friends, family, a career I enjoyed along with a life of travel that I loved. But ultimately I was sad and broken. And the fourplex I lived in further compounded my misery — it was dark and old, hardly any natural light. I could hear every single thing my neighbors did. One time, when I returned home from a trip, my apartment was filled with flies. Why? Well this old house had a lot of space under it and some animal had accidentally crawled up underneath and then into the walls.

And then it DIED. And my landlord said there was nothing to do but wait till the flies ate the body. *Shudders*

I. was. MISERABLE.

I have often been given the advice that you truly have to enjoy your life as a single person before you’re ready for a relationship. 

I call bullshit. 

Continue reading “Love and Time (and Quarantine)”

Everything is fuckupable (Or Dating with Anxiety: Part 3)

August 15, 2019

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I used to have some pretty naive and idealistic views about love. I can admit this.

Not sure where they came from, because I didn’t really see any examples of these ideals growing up except maybe in Hallmark movies. Most of the relationships I witnessed in person were filled with arguments and frustrations and a lot of strife intermixed with some joy and minimal romance.

And yet, I held onto the belief that my ‘one’ would one day show up and see past my awkwardness and horrific fashion sense and see the beauty underneath. He’d be perfect for me. And he’d love me as if I were the most precious thing he’d ever seen. His fire for me would never go out. We’d be kind and gentle and oh-so-perfect for each other. Always. Effortlessly.

I also, for a short, but very painful time, believed that if it was right … if it was love, real deep magic love … that you couldn’t fuck it up. The love would be too powerful and would overcome all obstacles, no matter how many mistakes you made.

What. Tha. Fuck. Whyyyy did I think this?

Ahhh yes, now I remember where these ridiculous beliefs came from. The church. True love waits. When God writes your love story. Blech.

Oh, how woefully, wonderfully wrong I was.

I mean, seriously. How naively hopeful and blissfully ignorant could I have been about love?

Of course you can fuck it up. Everything — every SINGLE thing — is fuckupable. And that includes love.

But that’s honestly a good thing.

Continue reading “Everything is fuckupable (Or Dating with Anxiety: Part 3)”

What happens after 36?

November 30, 2018

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I’ve recently been re-watching Sex and the City from the beginning. Why? Well I seriously suck at adulting and still don’t have internet at my home (feel free to judge me), so I’ve just been entertaining myself with my ancient, relatively unused DVD collection.

I was obsessed with this show in my 20s. Before I met the man who would be my ex-husband, while I was living alone, broke and poor in a shitty little apartment in Carrolton, I watched this show for the first time after renting the DVD’s from a Hollywood Video store. Yes, yes I said DVD’s twice … I’m old.

I remember falling in love with these women and their friendships … and I remember falling in love with New York. I looked at them and their fabulous lives and was in sheer awe. I was 22 and had never even dated and at the time, my only friend and I had just had our first falling out and weren’t talking (spoiler alert: we made up and became best friends and co-authors of thetruthandthechaos.com). These women were in their 30s and single but living it right. They were best friends whose connection kept them afloat amidst every dating woe they faced.

It was something I absolutely loved but couldn’t really relate to at the time.

Continue reading “What happens after 36?”

The Big D: Dating (Part 2) – Cheers to all the ones who weren’t ‘the one’

March 22, 2018

 

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I had kind of an a-ha moment the other day.

It came after a friend asked me if I’d ever been to Uchi, this really amazing sushi restaurant. I was like, yes, I had a really great date there and the food was to die for. Then in the same day the same friend asked me if I had ever been to Meddlesome Moth and I was like, yeah, another great date, different guy. Then it hit me … a lot of the really amazing experiences I’ve had in my life have come while dating different men at different times … and I’m starting to think that’s not a bad thing.

I’ve said it before in my posts, but I have quite literally dated almost all of Dallas. It might seem like an exaggeration but I’m not so sure it is. One of the purposes of this project for me, though, is to write it all down, every good memory, every bad one. Part of that is so that I can unburden myself, put the bad parts and the baggage into words and set it free. Another reason is I want to remember the good, in detail, because this checkered past is a beautiful mess that deserves to be remembered.

When I look back at my record, sometimes I can get really discouraged. So many dates, so few true connections and even fewer have turned into anything more than a 2-3 date situation.

However, like I said, I recently had an a-ha moment.

What if all the guys I’ve dated who weren’t ‘it’, who didn’t last, who got off on the wrong foot, who had terrible timing, who for whatever reason just didn’t work out … what if they weren’t failures.

What if they were all meant to give me a unique experience that was completely necessary and special, but also singular and temporary.

So with that, I want to pay homage to the men in my single, dating experience that gave great ‘date’. The men that came in, even if just briefly, and through contact with them I learned something else about me. I grew a little bit stronger, a little more self aware and whole lot ballsier. They may have been short-lived, but man were they fun while they lasted.

Continue reading “The Big D: Dating (Part 2) – Cheers to all the ones who weren’t ‘the one’”

The Dating Apocalypse: Or how dating in your 30s is a lot like the Walking Dead

December 11, 2017

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His face is haggard, his eyes tired, but he misses nothing. His body, though broken, is strong and poised to strike at a moment’s notice. He is sizing up this stranger to see whether or not he’s a threat.

“How many walkers have you killed?” “How many people have you killed?” “Why?”

If you’re familiar with The Walking Dead, you know that when Rick Grimes and his crew meet new people they might want to bring into their group they ask them these three questions. These questions are loaded and heavy and quickly cut to the heart of a persons character. And they MUST be answered before he’ll even consider bringing a new person into the fold. It was while watching him ask these questions on an episode recently that I had an a-ha moment.

Rick Grimes and I are basically the same person.  Yup.

His character is trying to survive the wasteland that is America after the zombie apocalypse happens.  I am trying to survive the wasteland that is the dating scene in Dallas in my mid-30’s.

IT IS BASICALLY THE SAME THING. Just kidding … but, no really … kinda the same. Let me tell you why.

Continue reading “The Dating Apocalypse: Or how dating in your 30s is a lot like the Walking Dead”

Dating with Anxiety (Part 2): Or how I’m learning to give myself a break

October 25, 2017

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Last time I talked about some painful things. My anxiety and how that has really become a burden while dating and embarking on a new relationship.

One of the biggest things I’m learning is how to have compassion for myself. And to see things in a clearer perspective (vs the nagging negative voice that has repeatedly told me I’m too much of a burden for anyone, I’ll never be able to have the life or love I truly desire, etc etc). 

Four years ago I walked away from a safe space. A marriage and a home with a man who I might not have been in love with, but someone who I did care for, who cared for me (well, most of the time) and who was my partner. I shared everything with this man – my ups and downs, good and bad.  It might’ve been unhealthy, unkind, even indifferent but it was certain. I, a person with very intense anxiety, walked away from a very certain and stable future. Did I mention I walked away from a HOME? We had this beautiful home we remodeled. It had a yard. And vaulted ceilings. Sigh. I had safety and security but emotionally we were totally empty.

Walking away from the stability was GD scary. There were moments I was worried I had a brain tumor. My whole self, my entire identity (to a degree), was shifting. I was … becoming me. It was a rebirth in a sense. I knew it had to be done and yet there was a vast amount of time spent going WTF is wrong with me.

Continue reading “Dating with Anxiety (Part 2): Or how I’m learning to give myself a break”

Dating with Anxiety: How to lose a guy in 10 days … or three months

October 23, 2017

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I’ve been trying to think about what my next article should be … for about a month now. I’ve been stumped. Why? Partly because I truly want to sound cool and I want to be Carrie Bradshaw. I freaking love her. Sex and the Big D. I feel like my posts should be about single girl adventures and fun, flirty lessons … and while I do have some crazy adventures from time to time, the lessons are rarely fun and flirty and they’re really starting to beat me up.

I started this blog for me right? And I must stay true to that. To the authenticity of this project. Warts and anxiety and repeated mistakes and all.

During the past month I ended a very short-lived but promising relationship with a guy I was growing fond of … and I traveled to Bali alone. But in reverse order. Soon I will write about Bali, but for now I need to talk about that short-lived relationship.

Ok … to be honest, I’m still processing the relationship. I am sad that it has ended though I was the one who opted to call it quits. I miss him … or do I? I don’t know. The honest truth is I have overwhelming anxiety at the beginning of relationships. Oh let’s be honest, I have overwhelming anxiety throughout ALL of my romantic relationships. I have carried these deep fears of abandonment since childhood and I am only just now, at 35, starting to understand them. Starting to really see the damage NOT addressing them is doing to me and my future happiness. 

Continue reading “Dating with Anxiety: How to lose a guy in 10 days … or three months”

The Big D: Dating (Part 1)

September 8, 2017

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He had a thick accent and he was buying me drinks. This was a Tuesday at my favorite neighborhood bar and it was supposed to be an early night. I was supposed to just get sushi with my friend then a drink then home by 10. But his accent and story about being a federal agent stopped me. It was definitely a lie but I was that kind of intrigued that comes from three stout vodka sodas. I began to feel that restless, excited feeling that comes when I realize the night is about to take a turn and I want to be there for the ride.

I love this feeling. Well …mostly. Most of the time it takes me to some pretty cool places and lets me experience some pretty cool things. Occasionally though, it leads me down the wrong, gonna-be-way-too-hungover-and-it’s-not-worth-it-because-this-place-was-lame path. However, this night it was the former. Lorenzo (that was the ‘federal agent’s name) asked me what I did for fun. I mentioned I sing a mean karaoke and that was it. We were off to one of the coolest gay bars in Dallas that has karaoke almost every night of the week.

This is the other big D in my life. Dating. For all intents and purposes I’ve been single for about 3 years. And I have dated. A lot. So so so many dates. In fact, so many I’ve decided to start a blog so I can one day remember them all. Good and bad.

Continue reading “The Big D: Dating (Part 1)”